Tutus Take Over the World (Or At Least My Laundry Basket): A 21st Century Ballet Crisis
Darlings, prepare yourselves for a truly pressing dilemma of the 21st century - an epidemic that could rival the Y2K bug in its sheer ludicrousness! Tutus, my darlings, Tutus! The little frilly marvels, designed for grace and pirouette, have suddenly become as prolific as those dreadful novelty socks your uncle Albert insists on wearing. They're popping up in my wardrobe, the local launderette, and rumour has it they've even started nesting in Buckingham Palace!
How did this all begin? Was it the sudden success of that American ballerina who seems to have captivated the world? Or is there a more sinister conspiracy afoot? Let's delve into the truth behind the Tutu Apocalypse.
The Culprit: The "Tututorium" - Is it really "Tututorium" and not "Tutorial"? I swear I checked!
It all seems to have begun with this new trend, a "Tututorium" - and let me tell you, if anyone at Vogue actually approves of this bizarre word, my subscription is cancelled forthwith! This so-called "Tututorium" (dear God, it feels so wrong in my mouth) appears to be some sort of online ballet class that has all the old ladies, teenagers and even middle-aged dads signing up, fuelled by a cocktail of "find your inner child" dreams and aspirations to become the next Sylvie Guillem.
I can just imagine it, darlings! Granny Margaret with a questionable side pony and a blush pink tutu struggling to keep her balance on a Zoom call as a vaguely frustrated "instructor" tells her she needs more âpointe work.â Is this really how it has to be? Do we, as a society, not value some basic levels of poise and self-preservation?
What Are the Symptoms of Tutu Mania?
First, it started with a harmless increase in the use of ballet terminology. Everyone was "chassĂ©ing" about this or "jetĂ©ing" around that. You couldn't catch a cab without the driver complaining about his âdemi-pliĂ©â in his knee (what on earth does a knee have to do with a ballet term, one wonders?!).
And then the tutus, darlings, the tutus! The once-esteemed tutu, a symbol of artistry and elegant grace, is now seen clinging to the backs of grocery store clerks, tucked into the bags of a bewildered granny, even thrown over a dog as a particularly fashion-forward leash! Oh the humanity! I tell you, these tutus are breeding faster than rabbits in the spring!
How to Deal with This Tutu Takeover?
Here's the thing, darling - this is a pandemic we can't exactly lockdown. So, we need a solution. Here's what I'm proposing:
- A Tutu Amnesty Program: Let's gather all those pesky tutus, those abandoned in parks, clinging to laundry lines, and those, Lord forbid, residing in my flat (sorry, dear, they won't go!). Let's create a tutu monument, a shining symbol of this mad, crazy era - just to keep the madness under control, one might say.
- The Tutu Fashion Show of Shame: Itâs simple: If youâre caught wearing a tutu in public, especially when itâs a questionable shade of mauve, or is particularly disintegrating and covered in cat hair (yes, dear, that is not the fashion youâre striving for!), we send you straight to a public shaming. And who wouldn't want to wear a "My Tutu-ing Days Are Over" badge? It's like the '80s all over again!
A Message from Your Fashion Queen
Look, it's okay to want to pirouette, darlings. Ballet, at its best, is poetry in motion, a stunning spectacle, but in this mad Tutu-topia we are living in, Iâd rather keep the âje te m'adoreâ sentiment for that lovely, cashmere shawl in the shop window.
But seriously, letâs get this tutu mess sorted out before our city becomes the ultimate fashion faux pas, where even a poodle's hair gets tangled up with tutus that somehow just seem to fly into my garden! Letâs embrace some common sense and remember: Just because you're on Zoom, and no one is looking (we think!), it doesnât mean that you should wear a tutu to the supermarket.