Darling, you wouldn't believe the utter chaos that unfolded at the Royal Ballet this morning! The whole thing started, quite frankly, because someone, *someone* decided that a tutu - I'm talking a *proper* tutu, the kind with multiple layers of tulle that could launch a small country - would be *just the ticket* for their new choreography. And they weren't joking. We're talking a swirling, poofy, meringue-cloud-shaped concoction that would make Marie Antoinette blush.
Now, let's be real, you can't just chuck a tutu at a ballerina and expect her to twirl. This, darling, requires skill. The sheer *weight* of the thing, not to mention the challenge of a rogue puff of tulle making an impromptu appearance on stage...it's a ballet dancer's nightmare!
Apparently, the choreography involves something called the "Whirlwind Waltz" which, according to a *very* flustered rehearsal assistant, is "essentially a whirlwind of motion." I, darling, had the pleasure of witnessing this "whirlwind" firsthand. And let me tell you, it was *far* from graceful. The poor ballerina was flailing like a newly-released hummingbird in a china shop.
And the costumes? Oh, the costumes! Honestly, it was like a bad dream dreamt by a particularly flamboyant peacock. One ballerina, poor thing, had a tutu so oversized it made her look like she was trapped in a meringue soufflé. And then there was the "Tutu Tapestry," darling - a dizzying collection of vibrant, jewel-toned tulles in patterns that were just begging for a sequin overdose.
All this culminated in, *ahem*, what can only be described as a performance that was more "flailing-limbed disaster" than "elegant dance routine." There was tulle everywhere - flying off the stage, getting stuck on chandeliers, even a brief moment where it managed to find its way onto the Principal Conductor's nose! But you know, darling, in the midst of the mayhem, I have to admit, there was a certain kind of charm to the whole thing. After all, isn't a little chaos just what the ballet world needs? Just in case you're thinking about getting involved in this "Tutu Tempest," let me offer you a few helpful tips from yours truly, a seasoned ballet observer:
- If you have any inclination to don a tutu and take part in the "Whirlwind Waltz," think again, darling. Your average ballerina could barely manage, imagine what would happen to someone with, dare I say it, less training!
- And speaking of "less training," if you do find yourself near the Royal Ballet in the next few days, avoid eye contact. Nobody wants to witness the kind of "fashion" these ballerinas will likely be wearing, it's all a bit too much, you know?
- Keep your tulle, if you have any, very, very far away from your nearest chandelier. The resulting "fashion disaster" might be quite charming but I assure you it wouldn't be a "fashion choice" you'd want to be responsible for, darling!
Now, I must be off. There's an interesting piece in The Telegraph I have to get my hands on, about the latest *trend* in ballet shoes. The good news is, at least those haven't been subject to any whirlwind waltzing incidents...yet. I'll keep you posted, darling!