Tutu Trauma: Is the Ballet World Under Attack?
By Celeste Divine, your resident dance diva
Oh darling, the ballet world has been a-flutter (literally!) after yesterdayâs dramatic events at the Royal Opera House. Yes, you heard correctly, a shocking incident involving the beloved tutu! Now, I know what youâre thinking â tutuâs, how can such a symbol of grace and elegance ever be involved in anything untoward? Well, let me tell you, this wasn't your usual ballerina pirouette, darling.
It all unfolded during a grand performance of Swan Lake. Just as our feathery-footed prima ballerina was taking centre stage, doing that famous âdeath swanâ routine, somethingâŚwell, unexpected, occurred. Right before her final leap, she stopped mid-air, her gaze locking onto something, or shall we say *someone*, behind the curtain! You see, someone (dare I say someoneâŚ*evil*?) had decided to snip the tulle of her tutu. But not just any old snip, darling, a **calculated** snip that left only one pathetic wisp of tulle dangling from her left leg! I hear she nearly burst into tears, and we all know, thatâs bad luck in ballet!
Imagine the scene, darlings â the orchestra playing those tragic âOdileâ notes, while our darling prima ballerina is trying not to look at her mutilated tutu. Then, it got really wild. The entire orchestra stopped playing (unheard of!) and the audience gasped (even the stuffy society types!) while our valiant ballerina held her ground, gave us a *withering* look (seriously, who did this?) then finished her sequence. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call professionalism. The show went on, thankfully, though some rumour she did have a *little* wobbly pirouette here and there!
Naturally, chaos erupted backstage. All eyes are on the culprit, and rumour has it they were wearing a decidedly un-ballerina-esque denim jacket. Let's just say it's been *highly* unfashionable of them, as theyâre now being investigated by the Royal Balletâs newly-established âTutu Task Forceâ â yes, that's a thing!
Weâre told that this wasnât just any old tutu. This was a âbespoke, custom-madeâ creation from the legendary Madame Tulle in Paris. (And dear God, those prices are enough to make your head spin!) Now, what kind of a person would be cruel enough to dismantle a masterpiece like that, darling? Itâs all rather uncivilized, donât you think?
Anyway, to all our lovely ballet buffs, there are some valuable lessons to be learned here:
- The tutu is sacrosanct. It's a symbol of artistry and dedication, and attacking one is simply a crime against humanity.
- Don't mess with ballerinas! Theyâre fierce, graceful and can absolutely kick your behind with their perfectly-trained toes if youâre rude to their tutu!
- The show must go on, darling, whatever the circumstances. And the Royal Opera Houseâs swan just went on with flying⌠well, sort of flying⌠colours!
And, to my dear readers who have endured my melodramatic ravings, know this â never let anyone snip your wings, darling. But, do always invest in some fabulously fierce tutu protection!
(Celeste Divine is a world-renowned ballet author and influencer, who currently writes for numerous popular dance magazines. This was a fictional account, any resemblance to any actual events or actual people (especially Madame Tulle) is completely coincidental)