Dearest darlings, I’m afraid that I’ve got some bad news for you. You might need to prepare yourselves. The news is terrible – just plain terrible, honestly. Tutus. Are. Out. And I’m absolutely beside myself with grief.
Now, you might think, “Oh, they've just got a bit of a redesign. Gone a bit looser and more contemporary, or perhaps they’ve added a fabulous sequined bodice?” Sadly, no! Nothing could be further from the truth, darling. Tutus have gone all... *whispers*... **practical!** I know! The very idea sends shivers down my spine!
According to the (oh, how I loathe to say it) "experts", the “new age tutu” is all about functionality and athleticism, you see! They’re suggesting they’re going to have, dare I say it, “real pockets!” Goodness, just think of what will happen to the line! How will the dancer ever express themselves with… **a pocket?** Is that really necessary? Don’t you see that a little strategically placed glitter can resolve that sort of practical issue? Absolutely disgraceful.
Now, let’s be realistic – who wants a ballerina fumbling in their pockets when they’re trying to bring us all to tears with a breathtaking arabesque? This is the stuff of nightmares, darling. Just when you think we’ve seen the depths of bad taste, someone goes and throws a few practical bits into the mix and ruins everything!
Don't even get me started on these “comfort-focused leotards” that the “experts” are talking about. Who wants comfort? Where’s the glamour in comfort? Let’s get back to the original point of dance, my dears - elegance, sophistication, poise and a complete lack of anything that resembles actual function. Forget practicality, my loves, it’s all about aesthetics! Now let’s have some more news…
To add insult to injury, they are, they are, you'll never believe it... *shudders*.. **embracing new technology in the ballet studio**. I know, I know, I felt my blood run cold too, darling. Can you imagine? All those amazing little jumps and turns, the pure artistry and the elegant movements - all going to be judged by some awful screen in the corner of the studio? I mean, the studio's become some kind of science lab - the poor dancers will be more focused on data analysis than their lovely expressions! This will definitely not be to our advantage.
Frankly, this latest fashion scandal is a tragedy in itself, darling. Imagine: your average ballerina, strutting her stuff with not one, but two mobile phones strategically placed in her costume! I know. What’s next, dancers will have mobile phones sewn into the costumes to provide live streams on TikTok and Facebook?
But here’s the real irony: it all happened on April Fool’s Day. I can only laugh, really. Because I have this sneaky feeling they’re all just teasing us, just giving us the fright. Right? Let’s keep our fingers crossed darling, because as the old adage says: a tutu in the hand is worth two in the bush - or was that a diamond?
However, just to make it completely clear - it’s time to stop, before this **'practical'** and **'athletic'** new look spreads. No, no! If they dare to move forward with this - just know - the fight’s not over. Our tutu-clad sisters have had to contend with leotards, point shoes and all the drama of an encore. They are fighting for all of us and the history of the classic tutu must go on - for you know darling - that tutu - that tutu is more than just a costume; it’s an embodiment of artistic expression.
I’ll be here holding the line, standing tall, until sense prevails again. Until next time… darlings.