Dearest readers, I'm so excited to share the absolute scandal of the century! Well, maybe not quite a century, but certainly a *very* significant event in the world of ballet! It all unfolded yesterday, 20th December, right here in London, amidst the flurry of Christmas shopping and mince pies (which, let's be honest, are always a better choice than the ghastly advent calendars – don't even get me started on the questionable flavour combinations). Now, you see, ballet, like good food and fashion, is all about meticulous planning and exquisite taste. But, dear heavens, it seems someone in the choreography department of the Royal Ballet has *completely* forgotten that crucial detail, and the consequences are… well, let’s just say I’m speechless (though, truthfully, darling, you know I never really am).
I'm talking about *tut*us! Now, I know some of you, especially those with a fondness for oversized sweaters and tracksuits, might be saying, "tut what?" But for those who know true elegance, *tut*us are the ultimate ballet staple! They are, to use the esteemed term, a *work of art.* So, you can imagine my horror when I saw the opening act of Swan Lake (which, for your information, was supposed to be an exquisite homage to nature's grace, the gentle sway of willows, the ethereal shimmer of a swan’s feather, yes? ). Imagine my dismay! They didn’t *merely* change the colour scheme. They hadn't simply opted for a more avant-garde design. Oh no! The poor swans, who are normally ethereal creatures, resembled… dare I say it… festive *party decorations*.
This wasn’t just about the usual suspects: white, black, ivory… oh no. My darlings, the swans appeared in *red*! Can you believe it? The epitome of graceful elegance, reduced to resembling the little paper cup you pop your unwanted candy canes into. My lovely readers, can we agree that the only appropriate use of red in ballet is *when representing passionate love, of course, darling!* A red swan? Simply unforgivable.
And the *size*, darling, the *size*! My dear swans were sporting some truly *unflattering* *tutus*! I’m talking pouffy, voluminous, something straight out of a Victorian drawing room! They looked more like enormous marshmallow clouds, less like sleek, beautiful swan forms. The movements! Imagine graceful, balletic poses… except they looked like they were trying to navigate through a wind tunnel, all whilst wearing a giant meringue, dear. Frankly, it was all *quite ridiculous!*
As for the ballet itself, well, it was certainly… "unconventional," to put it mildly. A little like the festive *leftovers* you find tucked away at the back of the fridge in a desperate bid to avoid the bin. The music itself was fine (Tchaikovsky – one can’t go wrong, can we?) but the choreography… it just…didn't quite work, darling. And yes, as always, I have the receipts (literally) of *all the other, perfectly acceptable* renditions of Swan Lake! I must say, watching these *faux swan* antics was as perplexing as receiving an unfashionably *bright orange* scarf for Christmas. Let’s hope the designers are taking note… (I know I have). Now, *those* designs were a total *disgrace!*
A quick recap:- Red Swans.
- Giant pouffy Tutus.
- Lack of finesse.
- Unacceptable colour choices.
My darling readers, as the fashion bible says, sometimes, "the details make the outfit," and they certainly make or break a ballet production! Sadly, the details, or *lack thereof* on December 20th, have made this particular performance a prime candidate for "The Worst Dressed List". Now, as your fashionably-inclined, dance critic, I suggest you skip the red swan swan fiasco and seek a performance with true elegance. (Don't even mention the "festive tutu," or the lack of "ethereal," I dare you!) Oh, darling, this is my promise to you… if anything *extraordinary* happens in the world of dance, *you'll know*… and *you'll be the first* to hear it, *right here!* Stay fashionable, darlings!