Darling, did you see the state of those poor ballerinas on the tube this morning? I mean, have you ever seen anything so tragically hilarious? It was like a scene out of a particularly badly funded production of Swan Lake. It’s all so comical, the thought of all those dancers who live in their pristine white world of pirouettes and perfect postures having to contend with the very real, very messy world of the Northern Line at rush hour.
Here's the lowdown: the Royal Ballet, all 80 strong, took a morning trip to Covent Garden (a rare thing for this gaggle of swan queens and princes). But you see, darlings, there wasn't a chauffeur in sight, or a Bentley for that matter! Apparently their artistic director got lost in a book about the French Revolution or something – and forgot that there's still a Tube! The poor things were forced to wrestle their way onto the packed train - each one desperately trying to keep her carefully sculpted ballerina bun perfectly upright.
Their tutus were another issue! It's a known fact darlings, tutus were never designed for the throngs of people! It's like squeezing a fluffy cloud into a small bag! Their skirts were billowing all over the place. One poor girl, in the middle of a dramatic leap (presumably inspired by a large chap in a green hat with too much cologne) lost her balance and got a foot wedged between a man and his dog - the little canine's tail started wagging madly – it looked positively doggy delight. I just wish my photographer had been with me!
Here are the top five moments of the day for you, darling!- An impromptu "Swan Lake" scene on platform 4 – with the ballet dancer portraying the white swan actually performing a dramatic solo on top of a bin!
- A rather elegant prince, who seemed to be suffering a very sudden and dramatic bout of "swan-arm" disease after accidentally catching his tutu on a rather imposing rucksack, causing it to suddenly detach and leaving him dangling with only a safety pin attached.
- One lovely prima ballerina (whose name I can't reveal), in full 'Don't Make Me Angry' black swan persona - giving the London underground an absolute verbal ballet routine after missing her stop at Leicester Square and ending up at the London Eye. But darlings she seemed to be very clear, it was the trains' fault.
Of course, the ballet director is calling it a "performance" and a "unique " artistic experience." Honestly, it's all just an elaborate distraction, darling - designed to mask the truth: that even ballerinas have to cope with public transport in a less than glamourous city! And, if I might suggest to my fellow dance aficionados - a "Swan Lake" dance-off on a London Underground train is actually not a very appealing sight! If I had to choose - the Royal Ballet are much better on stage than on a train! They have been rehearsing so much. And that's the real drama.
Anyway, darling, next time I'm seeing the ballet, I'll bring my comfy shoes, just in case! You just can't ever tell. This story, darling, it's so perfect, all the humour is the real thing!