**Ballet's Big Tutus: A Fashionable Fashion Faux Pas?**
Darling, you wouldn’t believe the state of ballet these days. It's all about tutus and leotards, and frankly, I’m not sure I can stomach another sequin! While I adore a good arabesque and appreciate the athleticism of a grand jeté, darling, I just cannot deal with the sartorial horror that is the ballet world. Now, I do not want to appear harsh, because, well, ballet has a certain artistic integrity and, I mean, there’s a reason for all those tights – it’s a very demanding performance art and you wouldn’t want those dancers' kit falling off on stage, right? However, it is important to note, I do not need to wear a ridiculous leotard or a skirt with ten layers of tulle to appreciate the beauty of dance, and in fact, quite the opposite.
There is nothing worse than looking at the same old predictable pink tulle monstrosity – unless you consider the white, or worse, ivory-toned version that every ballet company, across the globe, has been clinging to for the past decade, even when its worn thin, which happens to be, let's be honest, practically all the time, as it is most definitely NOT washable. It's simply awful. I mean, who on earth decides the ballet costume is a sartorial necessity, and moreover, a *must-have* piece in every dance wardrobe in every corner of the world?! Surely it could not be those dainty, delicate looking creatures, the ballerinas themselves, because no one, especially not a woman with some degree of taste and sensibility, could ever conceive, design or execute such fashion atrocities, surely? (You just couldn’t! Could you?). Now, let’s be frank: it's a recipe for sartorial disaster, the only people who would get away with looking vaguely chic are the waif-thin girls – who are often so starved of food they don’t have a decent, functioning, fully developed brain. The rest? Dear me, it’s simply awful – no curves can ever look attractive, unless it’s that curve that looks like you've stuck an extra handful of elastic ruched and tightly bundled together into the middle of the skirt – oh dear, I'm becoming so theatrical. You will understand why, darling, when you catch yourself staring at a poor, misguided girl struggling to bend and balance with more than the standard five layers of tulle underneath, and who, at the age of, *oh, just look at that 18-year old ballerina struggling in that absurd outfit *– sorry dear, I forgot what I was saying. You’re quite right. These garments, as lovely as the designers (I am assuming these outfits have designers?) may want you to believe they are, are the worst invention ever created! The leotards don't leave much to the imagination – quite the contrary. But what can you do, eh?
I can’t help but be curious as to who or what has instigated such appalling choices. Is it some deep-seated patriarchal, artistic fetishism that makes them believe the tutu is the only possible way a woman can possibly express movement, that is to say, dance? I just do not understand. I know this sounds quite drastic, but what if we all gave them up – threw all these heinous white and pink tutus out, as one of my lovely assistants is suggesting we do with our very expensive vintage clothing this Saturday? (She has always wanted to be in the fashion department) Oh well! But let's have some sensible discourse: what if we simply ditch these ill-advised, and completely anachronistic sartorial mistakes and do the fashionable thing instead?
Imagine instead: elegant leotards, for goodness sake, without the horrible ruched detail or anything remotely resembling a ‘leg’ – which no one with any degree of taste will have been wearing for decades now, anyway, so please just put that hideous design of the ballet world's version of 'the leg' out of your mind completely - (there's a leg-in-tutu, as there are legs on everything, on display, right here at 34, St James's, *but never for an extra-special day. These tights are always worn only once because you do know tights will only get ruined if worn on the way to or from a party – what, my lovely little angels, you are still going to buy black tights?! My god, no! Please!) A gorgeous black leotard – which should have been done years ago - maybe a little embroidery in satin for the bodice. Then there's always a chance for a fabulous little bit of tulle here, or maybe there to really accentuate their stunning dancing – it would look wonderful for the dancers and I think the dance community would be ecstatic too! It might be enough to entice back audiences of both genders (because they are, let's be honest, all but absent these days). Why don’t you take a trip with me this Saturday, honey. You’d be amazed at the beauty of the art world - although you may still need some strong drinks to appreciate this beauty. Oh! I am sorry, darling, you need to remind me to have you drop a card with my name and address for my wonderful, rather extravagant cocktail party to be held here this Saturday. Just call ahead to see if we have the perfect table for you!