**Well, darlings, it's Wednesday the 13th, and the fashion police are out in full force today, because it's time to talk about the ultimate crime against fashion: the tutu!** Yes, you heard right. Those frilly, poofy, diaphanous nightmares that grace the stage of the Royal Opera House and inspire dreams of tutus-wearing swans and sugar plum fairies. It's time for us to put on our sensible shoes and give those little skirted abominations a good, hard look, shall we?
**Firstly, the color palette. Let's face it, ballet has about as much imagination as a monochrome hamster. It's all pink or white. Pink and white!** Who decided those were the colours of graceful dancing? I mean, think about it. Have you ever seen a ballet with a sassy red tutu or a glamorous emerald green one? No! Because apparently, "elegant" equates to a spectrum ranging from pale pink to very pale white. Talk about boring!
**Then there's the issue of the cut. Look, we've all been to the school disco and seen our fair share of disastrous tutu-wearing attempts. We know how awkward they can be.** The swirling fabric, the itchiness, the feeling of being like a fluffy marshmallow on a stick. And ballet dancers? Oh, they're stuck in a tutu every night, with every pirouette threatening to turn them into a whirlwind of cotton candy and regret. They can barely walk, let alone dance!
**Let's not forget the leotard. The staple piece of every ballerina's wardrobe. Think of a leotard and what comes to mind? A little bit of Lycra, a whole lot of skin, and the colour pink. **Once again, that terrible shade of pink rears its head, and it seems that a nude colour just doesn't do it for ballet dancers. It's like they're all trying to be the same shade of sickly sweetness.
**Here's a radical idea: let's embrace some variety!** Ditch the pink and white tutus, the suffocating leotards. Let's have a ballet in a black sequin tutu, a dazzling blue leotard. We can even have a rainbow tutu, one for each colour! It's about time ballet took a leap forward in terms of style and sartorial audacity.
**But of course, this is just a dream. This is fashion, darling, not a field trip to the local park!** Until ballet realises that their wardrobe could do with a touch of something other than fluffy white cotton, we'll have to make do with the predictable monotony of pink and white. We may be dreaming of vibrant tutus and fabulous leotards, but for now, we can only dream.
**Let's face it, we need more than tutus and leotards. We need fashion. We need glamour. We need style! And when the ballet world catches up to the rest of the fashion world, maybe, just maybe, we'll have a reason to give the ballet a chance. Until then, we'll just have to resign ourselves to the sad, beige, ballet world. Let's raise a glass to change, to innovation, to the glorious chaos of a truly fashionable world.**
**Now, pass me the champagne and put on that fabulous cocktail dress - this sartorial revolution can wait. But seriously, when are we going to see a leopard-print tutu? Just sayin'.**