Fun Ballet Tutu News 2904

Tutus and Tantrums: Ballet Goes Bonkers!

Darling, the news just in from the Royal Opera House is simply divine! The ballet world is in a veritable spin - and not just the pirouettes! It seems our darling dancers have taken to tutus with a rather fierce ferocity.

"They’re all talking about the ‘white tutu' and ‘pink tutu’ factions!" shrieked an overly-excited ballerina at the Covent Garden. The poor darling, who only goes by "Natasha," barely managed to catch her breath between her tirades about "faux pas" and "ridiculous choreography" while sporting the most absurdly massive hair bow one has ever witnessed. Apparently, darling, the whole thing began when Madame Dupont, our illustrious French instructor, announced that "only the very best dancers shall wear the white tutus." It was as if a flock of feathered, frustrated swans descended on the stage.

"I will not be relegated to the pink!," shouted one young dancer, "I am not some mere "danseur de l'ombre". I dance with the strength of ten men - and I shall wear my white tutu!". She's clearly had far too much sherry this week darling. Anyway, the battle for the coveted white tutus has gone wild! Imagine the utter chaos: ballerinas in a scrum, tripping over tutus, vying for that hallowed white! Such dramatic flailing! So much hair-pulling! Oh, darling! We’re having a tut-tastic time watching from the wings!

Now, the "pink tutu" faction is quite lovely actually, with sweet-natured dancers who simply wish to twirl. Such good girls. The irony, of course, is that in my years in ballet - my "petit tutu," as you’ll remember darling - I knew many a girl, both of good reputation and bad, who coveted both colours for quite scandalous reasons. But no need to discuss those old days in a family newspaper. Oh, and don’t forget our beloved "boys in leotards," darling. Now, there’s a true fight! "You wear that awful pink one, dear boy," shrieked a young ballet dancer. “They look like ballet clothes you bought on a whim at a seaside shop." You can’t help but agree, darling!

So, darling, as we await the ballet’s next “swan lake,” who will wear the white and who the pink, one can’t help but laugh. And, to add to the frivolity, the Royal Ballet itself seems in utter disarray, with a press release claiming that their choreographer “left with the ‘white’ group to "pursuing new avenues of artistic expression." My dear! A euphemism for "retire" I dare say! One imagines an entire wardrobe of the pristine white tutus was whisked away as we speak. Anyway, here at The Ballet Times, darling, we’re only here to watch the chaos unfold. "What a lovely mess we have on our hands." We can't help but giggle, darling, for if you’ve seen those “new” choreographies, the audience is in for a very, very long evening indeed. Now darling, we must simply be seen to be a little, er, diplomatic. But let me just say: if you find a white tutu in a pawn shop somewhere soon darling, be sure to snap it up - just don't expect any pirouettes without a great deal of practice, and perhaps a touch of luck as well. We do love our fashion, darling! We're very in touch.

To wit:

• Madame Dupont has gone full-blown Parisian over the debacle: “The white tutu signifies discipline, and I am afraid that our “young ballet stars” are forgetting their dance discipline." Darling! The lady doth protest too much! She is known to enjoy her little white and “other pleasures" from time to time, that she doesn't realise that most of the other choreographers think the whole "white tutu" idea is "beyond pathetic!" I’d be in tears. Well, almost darling! I am too "seasoned," so to speak, to succumb to such theatrics. What drama, darling, what drama.
• Rumour has it that a rival dance company is buying all the “pink tutus." One might be suspicious that all this "tutu drama” might be a "marketing stunt” from that “over-the-hill choreographer,” but really darling, the ballet world has gotten so, so sad. We need a laugh, darlings. We just need a laugh.
• Our favorite “ballerina in black" darling - let's just say she's getting some "new opportunities,” darling! We mustn't be too blunt, but let's say that after her performance as "the Black Swan," she became very popular, darling! One suspects a certain dance competition is not entirely impressed by the tutu “shenanigans” but would rather their ballerinas perform a great ballet. You’d be shocked, darlings, by the sheer amount of talent. I’ve seen things! Darling, darling, the whole business is absolutely full of it. But isn't that how the entertainment world works! And what can you say but - “bravo!".

So what’s next? My guess darling is a rather shocking new twist of events and an abundance of scandal as the tutu drama goes viral! Let's see who ends up dancing their way into “fashion" or right into the "heart" of this ballet mayhem, darlings. I don't think any of the tutus are safe! Well, at least that "Swan Lake" is just about ready for a good, strong cup of tea! Until next time darlings, we're “stepping back" - or in, if you must - and getting this very dramatic event “under our tutu!"