**05 January 1997** Darling, you wouldnât believe the drama that unfolded at the Royal Ballet yesterday! A real scandal of the highest order! And I'm not just talking about a dodgy pas de bourrĂ©e or a misplaced pliĂ©. This was full-blown, white-tutu-wearing, pink-tutu-flinging, tutus-as-weapons kind of drama.
It all began backstage during the costume change for the final act of âSwan Lakeâ. The air was thick with nervous excitement and the smell of lavender bath salts (a bit overpowering, even for my sensitive nose). As usual, everyone was backstage vying for the coveted âswan spot.â You see, my dears, dancing a swan requires a certain level of poise and grace, you simply cannot have any âMiss Piggy momentsâ you know. The ballerina's âprima ballerina-nessâ was the subject of endless backstage gossip.
Suddenly, as the final act began, all hell broke loose. Our little ballerina, Penelope Puffybottom (not her real name, obviously), renowned for her rather generous chest and fondness for wearing extremely low cut leotards, discovered that the white swan costume (which had somehow become covered in glitter-bomb residue thanks to an overly-enthusiastic stagehand) was just not working with her, she just wouldn't fit in the tight, little leotard in the pristine white, swan costume. The pressure was immense - what was a poor ballerina to do?
Penelope then had a "bright" idea, which probably seemed like a genius solution at the time, but it wasnât long until it spiralled into a true fashion-faux-pas catastrophe, darling. She promptly whipped out a hot pink tutu (one with rather generous ruffles, it must be said) from her dance bag. The white tutu that was supposed to represent the âwhite swanâ was soon being dragged into a ball of crumpled mess on the stage floor. This is what sent shockwaves of dismay and panic throughout the theatre. Poor Penelope had not considered the potential impact on her co-star, the Black Swan.
Now, itâs common knowledge that, in ballet, the White Swan and the Black Swan are meant to be, well, contrasting colours. Iâm sure you can see where Iâm going with this, dear, what we ended up with was quite an awful, colour clash. I felt like I was witnessing a ghastly game of âSwan Lake Tagâ, all I could think about was that dreadful game of childhood: âwho can spot the odd one outâ, a disastrous mix-up of colours.
Naturally, as Penelope Puffybottom wobbled her way onto the stage in this totally inappropriate and ridiculous ensemble, it created absolute mayhem in the theatre! People were gasping and staring with a mixture of horror and bewilderment.
But, darlings, Penelope is quite the performer! In an extraordinary feat of audacity and grace (possibly she was completely lost in the moment, but who can say for certain) Penelope turned her miscalculation into a kind of performance art. She sashayed across the stage in her shocking hot pink and even started doing some "sexyâ moves, throwing those huge, ridiculous ruffles into the audience and waving at all those poor bewildered audience members with what looked like an air of complete self-confidence.
Penelope was on her own! It's quite surprising, she was even wearing the appropriate feather and wings. A shockingly bright, white plumage which seemed to scream at me â I look just a bit too ostentatious for my white swan costume.â
Our rather stoic Black Swan was having none of this chaos! His feathered wings drooped low with a heavy sense of dramatic doom, his black tutu appeared even more sinister against this new stage backdrop - and oh how his costume had gone up in my estimation, the dramatic depth was rather fabulous, really quite compelling. He was performing, beautifully in fact. I was actually quite engrossed! You could see the âpoor meâ in his facial expression as he tried to get on with his routine while our Penelope strutted her pink stuff across the stage, I think it even brought a tear to his eye!
It was only after her final curtsey, that the whole theatre realised the sheer lunacy of the whole situation and began to roar with laughter. They erupted in such enthusiasm that it put a massive smile on Penelopeâs face! She was totally thrilled and, frankly, she shouldnât have been. It was as though the entire theatre suddenly grasped this âshock tacticâ was in fact just a rather amusing bit of theatricality.
From the second her performance ended, the pink tutu was whisked off stage. The backstage team, who, had been so close to ripping their hair out a few minutes previously, must have had a sigh of relief. Iâve never been so thankful for an elaborate backstage curtain, the whole theatre seemed to be buzzing with exhilaration.
Darling, to say that Penelope stole the show would be an understatement. For those that night, we got to see something entirely unique, a complete "howl" of a spectacle. You see, itâs really all in the eyes of the beholder! That pink tutu actually helped us see our dear Penelope, as someone totally different. As a "larger than life" personality, rather than just as a ballerina who does what she's told. Let's face it, if you were planning on becoming a famous, celebrated ballerina and your ultimate goal is to have âfansâ then thereâs a real art to achieving that.
Personally, I thought it was fantastic! It wasnât just an act of daring and audacity, but it was an absolute show-stopper! A fabulous "fluke" and a glorious example of how to own your moment in the limelight.
Oh! And do you know what I saw the following day in Harrods? It was none other than Penelope Puffybottom who had re-emerged as a veritable queen of the âwhite swanâ with all those stunning costumes on sale, all the while trying to buy out all the âhot pinkâ tutus that the shop stocked. I believe that pink, fluffy little number is set to be the next fashion phenomenon on the West End and beyond. Now, who said you couldnât create your own personal "swan" story, this isnât a swan that you should feel afraid to copy! Itâs going to be a beautiful ballet to watch, dear - I predict Penelopeâs star is going to rise!