02 March 2005 - Darling, let's get straight to the point, shall we? We've all seen those elegant swans in the *Swan Lake* scene, those majestic corps de ballet pirouetting in a perfectly synchronized haze of tulle and sweat (I know, I know, it's *supposed* to be graceful, but have you ever *tried* a full-on pirouette on point? You'd be lucky to maintain your lunch, never mind your balance!) and those impossibly poised ballerinas gracefully gliding across the stage. They make it all look so easy, don't they?
Well, I'm here to tell you that the truth is *far* more ridiculous.
And darling, the first piece of gossip I have for you is about the costumes. Yes, *those* costumes. You know, the tutus? The ones that look as though they are straight out of a fairytale? The ones that make you imagine tiny, perfect ballerinas gracefully gliding through moonlit gardens, all air and gossamer?
Well, *don't* get swept away in that dream, because those tutus are more likely to make you trip, tear a tendon or, frankly, leave you wondering if your dignity has abandoned you completely.
- Let's talk **white tutus**, shall we? The ultimate symbol of ethereal ballet beauty, right? But trust me, honey, they are a nightmare waiting to happen. Firstly, have you *ever* tried to dance in a dress that's white as snow? The moment you even *think* about jumping, a dust cloud erupts and it’s game over for your elegant stage presence.
- You know those *beautiful* pink tutus, the ones that whisper of dainty pink flowers and innocent dreams? Just try to *breathe* in one of those. They’re so tight, you can’t even sneeze, darling, let alone attempt an arabesque. Imagine a choreographer shouting *encore*, and you desperately trying to unzip yourself because you’ve inhaled, just *slightly*, and feel like you are about to pop out of the entire thing!
- Have you *seen* a tutu after it's been subjected to a gruelling, sweat-drenched performance? You think *your* tights are see-through? This, darling, is a whole other level of transparency, and we are *not* talking see-through tulle, trust me. It’s the kind of see-through that leaves very little to the imagination and is highly inappropriate, even for those on stage. But, the good news is that, even if the ballerina can't keep her own secret, her costume is certainly helping out with her ability to move!
Speaking of costumes, darling, let's not forget those skin-tight, unforgiving leotards that we, as ladies of good breeding, must adorn.
- Have you ever *tried* to do a simple, little plie in a leotard? It feels like a hundred little eyes are staring at you. Oh, darling, those leotards are more unforgiving than a society debutante’s parents. It's just, I know it, *just* begging for an unfortunate incident with a ripped seam or a wardrobe malfunction, the sort that leaves us all hiding behind our opera glasses with a sigh and, I’m afraid to say, perhaps a little thrill.
- Imagine, if you will, darling, a rehearsal session, the studio bathed in the glow of afternoon sunlight, our ballerinas leaping across the floor, all elegance and grace...but in our *minds*. Because the reality is more like a desperate battle against the dreaded “panty line." Have you ever tried to achieve an illusion of elegance with the *evidence* of your underwear quite so literally imprinted onto your anatomy for everyone to see? Trust me darling, you want to avoid this at all costs. I highly recommend the invisible, undergarment style bra that goes beneath those skin-tight outfits because trust me, this will avoid any potentially embarrassing incidents.
Now, let’s move onto our dancing, darling, because the sheer, *unbelievable* absurdity of a ballerina’s life doesn’t end with the costumes, darling. Let’s start with the "pointe" work! Now I’m no expert (and neither, really, are these ballerinas).
- The very idea of dancing *on* your toes sounds glamorous, right? In reality, you’re probably about to lose a toenails from the strain and develop bunions that rival a 50s fashion statement. Trust me, no one will be applauding you, especially your poor feet, when you go backstage!
- Now, have you ever tried doing a *simple* leap, landing *on* your pointes, darling? You’ll be *lucky* to stay standing. The amount of *absolute* dedication required from your body to perform those leaps with any grace or control at all is just frankly superhuman. You need, you *really* need to admire the dancers, darlings, in all their glory. Because trust me, that effort is an invisible but incredible feat, darling. It is quite *amazing* that they don't fall flat on their faces and this requires practice, practice and more practice!
But the most ridiculous element of the whole experience? It's not the pain, darling. It’s the absolute *utter* dedication to making it all look *effortless* and graceful, no matter what the costume or the pain you may feel at any given moment. And that, darling, is what makes ballet the *most* delicious brand of high-society hypocrisy you can find!
So next time you watch those tiny ballerinas onstage, dancing their way through those elaborate narratives of swan-based drama, remember what I've told you!
Oh, and do try to keep your eyes *on* the stage! You know, *especially* when you see the *tiniest* little glimpse of an unfortunate incident - with that panty-line issue I was discussing earlier...or maybe it's just the tulle being see-through and offering you a *slightly* too close-up view of their ballet outfit...
Because let's be honest, darling, sometimes the best stories aren't written on stage but in those little details hidden behind the curtain, behind the glittering smiles and delicate poses.