Oh, the agony! The ecstasy! The sheer brilliance of it all! It's the 5th of March 2005 and darling, you simply must be prepared for a little news story that's as thrilling as a perfectly executed pirouette and as elegant as a white tutu on a Saturday morning at the Royal Opera House. We're talking about...well, ballet, of course! (Where else would a fabulous, feather-brained woman like me be getting her news, eh?)
Today, the ballet world is buzzing like a hive of disgruntled bees - and it's not just because it's Pancake Tuesday (I shall be making mine with a delicious raspberry coulis and a little dollop of mascarpone, thank you very much). No, the reason for this seismic shift in the elegant, controlled world of the prance is a shocking, simply shocking piece of news. Prepare yourselves for a tale as scandalous as the rumours of the Prince's rumoured penchant for pointe shoes (that was a bit too saucy, wasn't it? Forgive me).
A hush has descended upon the usually chatty, twittering world of the dance elite, the one place where people truly understand the sublime thrill of a perfectly executed fouette (if you don't know what it is, honey, you simply must take up ballet). Now, the gossip columns are as hot as a pair of pointe shoes that haven't been warmed up properly. It's all to do with - whisper it, darlings, whisper it! - THE Tutus! Yes, my darlings, THE tutus! The pink ones, the white ones, the lavender ones, even the fetching scarlet ones (don't get me started on the *horrible* brown ones they seem to love to fling at the poor little ballerinas). It's the tutus, darlings, the tutus that have been turning the world of ballet upside down like an out of control ballerina.
How, oh how, can this even be possible? You ask, clutching at your precious, oh-so-feminine pearls. Let's just say that some of the highest profile ballet companies - the names are whispered on hushed breaths - have been experiencing what the industry professionals have called an 'unprecedented tutu shortage'. Now that's a mouthful, darling. But for a ballerina to be dancing on the world's stages without a tutu is like - oh well, just the idea makes my blood run cold! Can you imagine the shame? The humiliation? As the rumour mill continues to churn, some are claiming that this tutus catastrophe is due to a conspiracy of fabric suppliers who want to dictate the price of ruffles, to put an extra strain on already overworked seamstresses, to... oh well, whatever it is, darlings, we have to get to the bottom of it! It simply won't do!
A word of caution before we go further, the following news will probably require a glass of wine, a bowl of sugared almonds and your favourite gossip magazine to really savour, darling, because it is all just so ... well, shall we say... unpalatable?
There are a few names mentioned: some whisper it's the new en pointe tutu trend (more on that later, darling), while others whisper it is a move to combat the high costs of The 'big tutus' (the type with 48 yards of stiff white tulle and layers of sparkling diamantes, you know - very, very expensive! My mum said she once spent £500 on a tutu for me as a young dancer - now I guess those would go for more these days, what with inflation!)
Well, it seems the big wigs at the top ballet companies, those who wear very sharp pinstripes, expensive shoes and, some rumour, never say "tutu" (they just call them "costumes", which isn't half as exciting now, is it?), have finally cracked. It is said, they've broken down and sent their "troupe officers" (more like minions, darling, that is what they look like!) to the finest of fashion houses in London to hunt down new tutu designs. It is said to be causing a revolution! A tutuo-volution? And some say it may bring with it the 'new look' of tutus. Oh darling! Just thinking about it makes me dizzy! I wonder how it will compare to that delightful, feminine en pointe style of tutu worn so magnificently by - oh, never you mind, I won't reveal those precious names, it's a closely guarded secret!
In a stunning act of solidarity, the dancers, however, are remaining cool. (Or should we say 'coolly chic'?) The lovely ballet-dressed girls have a very simple message, one they express by doing what they do best - a perfect little grand jeté, a graceful little pas de bourrée and an all-round divine smile on their perfectly painted faces. (Not all ballet girls like pink lipstick on stage but darling, I certainly find a nice pink, slightly coral coloured, lipstick enhances the beauty and the romance of their graceful expressions. You'll have to take my word for it, if you're reading this at home you don't have a dancer on stage, do you? No! Right?!)
They are just too, too, beautiful to be concerned about the scandal that's brewing around their elegant and ever so beautiful, skirts. (Why on earth they'd choose to be called skirts instead of 'tut-tut', I don't know? My aunt Doris insists she used to make her daughter wear an under-tutu which was a sort of small skirt made of flesh-coloured nylon, just in case! Apparently, it covered the bottom up, so to speak. That must have looked rather... well, interesting.) They don't have time for that, my darling, for all they care, this might be The Tutu Rebellion. It's not a bad name is it, for something a little rebellious and a little beautiful and... a little bit ridiculous too.
So there it is, my dears, just your regular dose of news, from your very own, and extremely well-dressed, news guru! And to celebrate this wonderful, tumultuous, and simply magnificent event, it's time for a special tutu tribute, darling. Let's celebrate the pink tutus, the white tutus, the lovely, swirling fabric, the diamante details and... of course The New Tutu Style. It's the style that has changed the way we think of tutus! What else will the ballet bring to us? It all sounds simply splendid, and darling, if you don't think so... then... you have no style and probably no taste at all!
But we mustn't forget to stay calm, darlings, just keep your heads high. Don't lose your minds... just keep swirling like those divine tutus! Don't think of it as a crisis... think of it as an opportunity, a chance to move forward. It's like the dancers say... "always look to the future." Oh darling, they are wise. We must listen.