Darling readers,
Gather 'round, for I have a tale to tell, a scandal so shocking, so utterly outrageous, that it would make even the most seasoned ballet critic gasp for air! Prepare yourselves, for today, July 17th, 2006, shall be forever etched in the annals of dance history as the day the world of ballet was rocked – by tutus! (gasp! horror!)
Yes, my dears, it’s true. It seems the delicate balance of tradition and modern dance has been disrupted, all thanks to the mischievous little tulle confections we know and love as tutus.
Here’s the lowdown. At the esteemed Royal Ballet’s annual gala performance last night, in the middle of a climactic pas de deux – with the prince about to whisk his ballerina love into a glorious grand jeté – a most curious incident occurred.
Now, the heroine of this story was a young ballerina named Ophelia, known for her delicate beauty, technically sound pirouettes, and – to my utter chagrin – penchant for white tutus. While all eyes were on her perfectly pointed shoes, a rogue gust of wind from a strategically-placed (or should I say misplaced) stage fan caught hold of Ophelia's tulle. Picture, if you will, a gentle wisp transforming into a furious cyclone, that swirling white tulle wrapping Ophelia's legs like a confused, flouncy spider!
You could hear gasps rippling through the audience. Then came the stifled giggles. But poor Ophelia, completely entangled, was frozen in a comedic dance, her delicate arms desperately flailing like a graceful bird tangled in fishing line. The poor prince, bless his heart, looked like he was about to break down in laughter before attempting a heroic yet doomed rescue.
But, dear readers, the chaos didn't end there! The drama unfurled as Ophelia's tutus (plural!) – yes, she was wearing several, one for every climactic moment in the performance, apparently! - unfurled to reveal, gasp! an absolutely horrendous shade of pink! (One could argue it was an especially unflattering, ghastly shade, more akin to an elderly flamingo’s knees than a chic and graceful ballet dancer!)
Oh, the uproar! I assure you, it was far more exciting than any ballet finale, a true performance worthy of an Oscar-winning dramatic masterpiece. The prince looked aghast! The orchestra started a hesitant, slightly discordant polka - a sign that even the musical giants were flummoxed!
What followed was pure mayhem. The choreographer, looking suspiciously calm as a cucumber (clearly had a well-rehearsed contingency plan in place!) shouted at someone in the wings - who looked vaguely like a young, nervous mime – to get Ophelia "de-tutued." The unfortunate mime (a darling who, I suspect, got stuck in a long-line for coffee during a crucial moment of ballet training) looked bewildered for a moment before rushing out to perform this highly-unlikely duty.
I'll never forget the expression on his face, a mix of dread, terror and ... sheer determination. One wouldn’t usually use "fierce" to describe the dismantling of a tulle masterpiece, but in this particular instance, it was an accurate assessment.
And to my complete surprise, he was successful! In an unprecedented performance worthy of an olympic medal for "quick change," the poor, unfortunate mime extricated Ophelia from her tulle prison with the finesse of a master dressmaker.
What, you may be asking, happened to the embarrassing shade of pink tutus? (My dears, I had so many questions, including the all-important – but sadly left unasked, - "Did she just go without a tutu? How was that a performance even?!" )
Well, I wouldn’t dream of telling! You see, darling, as in any good dramatic production, this is a question left hanging in the air, a lingering question mark on a perfectly constructed performance. It will have everyone talking and theorizing and wondering for years to come. Will she take back the white tulle and retire her pink fashion faux-pas? Did this all unfold as a masterful display of avant-garde performance? It remains to be seen!
The show did, I have to confess, go on. Ophelia, clearly flustered but nothing short of graceful, finished her performance to roaring applause. Perhaps the most shocking thing was how incredibly professional she was in the midst of absolute mayhem. Truly, my dears, her acting chops – both on and off stage - are something we should all learn from!
It's hard to know if she did this on purpose – she might have a sense of humour! She's also, in the past, used her performances as a platform to challenge conventional fashion in the world of ballet! Is this just another, more theatrical approach? Could the fashion-forward Ophelia be pushing the boundaries of the ballet world yet again, showing the world that a tulle disaster, when properly styled, is a work of art?!
We have much to contemplate, darlings. There are some rather delicious whispers of a possible change to ballets across the globe, with the rise of the ‘alternative tutu' and 'de-construction dance' set to be the newest wave of avant-garde entertainment! (Now, I could tell you how truly outrageous I think this whole idea is, and how incredibly outlandish, but I wouldn’t dream of it!).
So, while we patiently await the fallout, what else are we to expect in this extraordinarily exciting age of 'creative fashion'? Let's get down to it - should leotards get more exciting? Are tiaras going out of fashion? Is it now ok to wear a pink tulle as part of the ensemble! It is a time of exciting changes, of a revolution! Or, to put it mildly, one simply monumental sartorial revolution!
What do you think, my dears? Leave me a comment below - with your best sartorial insights! Let’s speculate, chat, debate, discuss this epoch-defining fashion revolution – I'll be sure to follow your ideas on Twitter (hashtag #TutuTakeover ) and keep you updated on this truly sensational story!