Darling, imagine my horror! I had the most terribly embarrassing incident the other day. You see, it all started at the Ballet Shoe Emporium. You know, the one in Mayfair? Well, it's always teeming with ballet dancers and the entire staff speak with such refined accents - quite divine. Anyway, I went in for a little peek. Just a little something to top off my new tutu, of course.
You see, darling, I'd just picked up the most exquisite pink tutu from that wonderful new shop near Regent Street, you know the one, right across from the Burberry, a complete steal at Ā£50! The lace! The volume! And it matched my new, divinely soft, pink, satin ballet shoes! Naturally, I needed a new leotard to complete the look, right? After all, one must be entirely coordinated in these matters.
So I wandered around, feeling rather splendid, amongst the lovely tulle and silken bodices and silk ribbons and tiny velvet shoes and... well, it felt a bit like a dream, truthfully. That was until I was stopped by this lovely lady in a particularly fabulous lime green leotard (darling, it simply screamed āprofessionalā). Now, she is obviously a big cheese in the ballet world - because she actually addressed me as āMadameā
Can you imagine? 'Madame' My jaw literally dropped to the floor! And why? Well, it appears that the pink tutu was actually from a āspecial collection' that requires one to be, er, a bit more āadvancedā, if you get my drift. You see, I just picked it up without any ācertificationā, because it looked fabulous, didn't it? Oh, the shame! It was like a nightmare! All my carefully planned and executed glamour just evaporating! I swear, I almost burst into tears.
āWell darling,ā said the rather flustered assistant (a particularly lovely young thing who always knew exactly what I wanted, even when I wasnāt entirely sure myself) āThat's perfectly alright, it's not as if anyone will know!ā
So, what was I supposed to do? Keep that extraordinary pink tutu or send it back and, God forbid, settle for the decidedly more boring ānoviceā variety? Honestly darling, it felt like my world was turning upside down! I'm quite sure the āladyā noticed me feeling flustered.
āWell,ā she offered, "itās certainly a fabulous outfit! The fabric, darling! Simply sublime!ā
I smiled as charmingly as possible, hoping my smile would mask the sheer panic engulfing my core. And I managed, in my rather shaky voice, to declare: "Thank you darling, I actually rather fancy myself a ballet teacher! ā
Now, what was I thinking? Who even says that? āA ballet teacherā? Did my mouth spontaneously choose those words without my permission? They just poured out!
I just have this image in my mind of all the grandmothers, who usually look so terrifying when āteaching' me in my tiny, pink ballet studio at home in Battersea - all standing up for my 'new' dance teaching method. That must surely terrify all the mothers and children I've subjected to it! They must be rolling in their silk pants!
She took one look at my bright, cherry-red, high heeled dancing shoes, with their very prominent diamante bows. I must confess that I really did enjoy the way she visibly choked back laughter when I described how I was going to ārevamp the teaching style'. And I simply couldn't believe my ears when the ālime greenā goddess agreed that she could do with some new energy injected into her ballet world. She told me to send her some new, fresh steps I would create!
My first assignment was:
- Create a unique way to train our muscles that wouldnāt involve any stretching - a terrible tragedy, I thought!
- Compose some new movements inspired by fashion designers - and by some strange cosmic quirk, the āladyā gave me absolute freedom. My creative juices, dear reader, went into overdrive. I now can't look at a new fashion trend without wanting to translate it into something perfectly elegant and totally bonkers. And let's just say that ballet, now more than ever, feels like the most wonderful escape.
Anyway, darling, Iām really very busy now. I have some, dare I say, divine new exercises to refine! Iāll tell you more about them soon, but just a heads up: theyāre not for the faint of heart!