Balletās Big Secret: Is it Just a Load of Tutu-bollocks?
Oh darlings, letās have a little chinwag, shall we? You know I just adore ballet, donāt you? All that exquisite movement, those heavenly costumesā¦ divine! But I must confess, sometimes, I wonder if I'm the only one who finds it just a littleā¦ *ahem*ā¦ absurd?
Don't get me wrong, I'm totally besotted with a perfect *grand jetƩ* or a sassy *fouettƩ*. But have you ever really looked at a ballerina? Seriously, have a good, hard stare. Imagine yourself prancing about in a tiny white tutu, your nether regions looking like they're wearing a napkin, and your toes pointing at angles that could probably break the law. Doesn't exactly scream "powerful" or "feminist" does it, darling?
It's not just the costumes, it's the whole performance! We have these delicate little creatures, all flouncy and flowery, skipping about in their pretty shoes while telling tales of love and tragedy. And we, the audience, are expected to be totally captivated? I'm sorry but sometimes I feel like I'm at a tea party gone wrong, complete with a side of 'Oh look how fragile she is' sprinkled with a dash of 'let's all swoon over the fact she can balance on one foot for three seconds!'
The Tutu: A Fabric of Lies
Speaking of the "tutu", darling, can we have a moment to acknowledge that tiny piece of frilled, impractical nonsense? You know they're a nightmare to wear right? Honestly, they're the size of a napkin, and just try sitting down gracefully in one of those things, I dare you! All you'd end up with is a very public, very embarrassing wedgie, not to mention a good few bruises. The only way you could move around in one of those without needing an emergency wardrobe change is if you were as graceful as a gazelle on ice skates. Which, let's be honest, is not most ballerinas, just sayin'!
Don't get me started on the colors! You've got your pink tutus, which I'm told are meant to be "dainty" and "charming", like they've just come off the set of *Gone with the Wind*. And then you have your white tutus, which are meant to be, wellā¦ āpurer" I guess? A white dress? Oh, the irony, darling! Who doesnāt think about how absolutely, disastrously that white fabric will show everything under the moon?! Itās practically a beacon for undergarment malfunctions!
The Leotard: Is it Really a Must?
I'm afraid the leotard doesn't escape scrutiny either, my dears. There's a reason they're designed with strategically placed strategically placed patches of pink or skin tone! Seriously, they're designed for an ideal body that would fit the fashion of 1940! No lumps, bumps, or jiggles allowed! They must look so unbelievably āperfectā... just one teeny tiny body shape out of millions, darling.
But what if Iām rocking some "perfectly imperfect" curves? What happens then? If your leotard isnāt perfectly stretched on your body it makes it look more like a second skin, which for some reason seems to be the worst offense a female body can commit on the stage.
Letās be honest, sometimes the whole spectacle of ballet reminds me of the scene from *Pretty Woman* where Julia Roberts is trying on an extremely expensive, highly ridiculous dress, while looking absolutely gorgeous and saying "This isn't for everyone... especially anyone who wants to sit down!'' You canāt get more honest than that darling!.
Ballet is All About Breaking Stereotypesā¦ Right?
There I go again, just letting it all hang out! The funny thing is, as much as I mock these outfits and their lack of "real world" wearability, they do have their charm! After all, isn't a big part of the ballet aesthetic the very contrast between that impossible-to-move-in get-up and the utter grace and artistry of the performers?
And itās not like the dancers havenāt been trying to break down some barriers with fashion over the years. What would our fashion scene look like without a few revolutionary designs like the costumes created for the contemporary dances *Afternoon of a Faun* by Nijinsky and *Rite of Spring* by Vaslav Nijinsky, which have continued to inspire to this very day?
Maybe we can embrace the tutu and leotard for the statement-making costume pieces they are, even if their practicality falls somewhat short of everyday life. After all, a touch of extravagance and spectacle doesn't hurt, darling!
Let's Have Some Laughs!
Hereās an idea... since weāre on the subject of funny things happening on stage! Letās have a dance called "Leotard Calamities." Hereās how we could make it fun and a little bit cheeky:
What If...?
* We have a sequence where the dancerās bra strap snaps or gets snagged and needs to be subtly (or not so subtly!) "adjusted"?
* How about a scene where a dancer in her white tutu accidentally trips, and, to save herself, grabs a handfull of fabric that promptly flies away with the wind and reveals some fabulous, unmentionables beneath?! I can just see the expressions on the audiences' faces as they all struggle to decide whether to laugh or die of embarrassment.
* Imagine an audience member having a loud cough during a very serious scene!
* It's all going so well but suddenly a pesky fly lands on her face or on the ājewelā at her forehead. How funny would it be to see her trying to discreetly move it! Imagine the expressions!
These scenes would be hilariously embarrassing... if it was meant to be funny, and done with some tasteful humour of course.
If we're going to poke fun at the more whimsical elements of ballet, then we need to embrace those quirks! Besides, who wouldnāt appreciate a laugh? Itās a wonderful way of engaging audiences and challenging those "rigid, unrealistic" ideas that the dance world throws our way!
Donāt tell anyone darlingā¦ I think this might be a fabulous idea for a future show of my own... *hint, hint*!
Iām just waiting for a theatre to dare to put on a production like this!
Now let's all raise a glass to a little lighthearted fun, and for goodness sake, if you find yourself dressed in a white tutu, think of what the audience will want to see: drama, elegance and some humor in equal measure. Cheers darling!