Darling readers, I do hope you're all prepped for the festivities! It's Christmas, well, Boxing Day in the land of the Brits, but honestly, let's be real - it's been a Christmas miracle of sorts. That's right, we're going to be tackling the one thing that has never been given the credit it deserves in the world of fashion and fun, the iconic ballet itself! Prepare yourselves for the hilarious, the sparkly, the frankly downright dramatic...the life of the ballerina!
Let's face it, we've all been there - peering out of the stage curtain as the theatre lights blast us with a million volts of blinding glory. It's the moment. The moment when every fibre of your being screams: *Oh my god, am I going to *actually* do this?* The answer is always, **Yes darling!**. We all secretly covet those fabulous, frilly, voluminous tulle concoctions. That *je ne sais quoi* they emanate! They're essentially what every single fashion-conscious female has been striving for all their lives, haven't we?
Well, forget the high heels and the mini skirts. Ditch the party dresses, forget the fabulous hats, the glorious gloves... **Let's be honest, these all just pale in comparison to a **pink** or **white** tulle tutu**. Why? Well, my dearest lovelies, we *know* they're hard work! Hours and hours and hours of excruciating, exhausting pain and training that makes any other fashion disaster (even **that** time you wore white after Labor Day) simply ***fizzle* into oblivion**.
It's not the ballet that’s demanding, it's those tiny little dance shoes! Those little pointed toe things, that could slice through a pineapple, *easily*. And don't even get me started on the leotards! That *intensely* revealing garment - a tiny scrap of lycra - is about as flattering as a *wet teabag* on a bad hair day! Just take a look at your average *petit rat* – the name *isn’t* meant to be cute. These little mice look like *the absolute scrawniest*, smallest things you’ve ever seen, and that’s when they're wearing a thick jumper, a woolly hat, *and* gloves. Just think about their struggle to even manage to *stay warm* when wearing *a leotard*! Oh, the agony, I feel it in my very soul...
It's all worth it. Really. I mean, think about it...Just picture it – you, the ballerina in question, a **total beauty** (with a bit of strategically placed blush), adorned in the **ultimate fairy-tale masterpiece**: the **pink or white tulle tutu**, gliding, leaping, spinning, and somehow managing to do *it all with perfect elegance* in *just* a **leotard and ballet shoes**...Oh my!
The audience are simply mesmerised by you. In awe. Gazing at the sheer beauty and artistry as you dance with such precision and power. They’ve all paid their good money to witness a spectacle that simply takes their breath away...
It's not all glitter, tulle and perfect pliés though, is it? So to *appreciate* the ballerinas out there, and in appreciation of *our* magnificent efforts (which usually amount to **not having any nails longer than one millimeter long**, at *least* twice a year for the duration of our Christmas party ***weekend*"), let's have some laughs:
So let’s go! Ballet, here’s our rendition! Here are the truths about life as a ballerina – a ballerina with style! * **“Oh dear, do try and *not* eat that, sweetie darling.” * A life-long battle to maintain that physique. We may be elegant, but our diets aren’t pretty. * **"Darling, have you just seen the *new* nail art?” - *No* we haven’t. ***Never!* We have the choice between *short, squashed, and round* -or-*tiny tiny stubby things that never actually dry!*I *wish* I was exaggerating here!**
*We can’t afford long, luscious, or sharp! We can’t risk breaking a nail - and even if we *could*, there's the sheer **nightmare of that awful fake stuff!**. Ugh - That's more horrifying than *ballet* in a whole heap of other words, if you ask me! So short nails and short dresses for this babe!
*For real*, ladies? *Those* tiny shoes? Let’s be realistic - even for those with an ‘elite foot’ (you know the one I’m talking about *it’s like a baby doll with its head cut off – **you** have the ‘elite foot!** ) and even more so if, for example, you have feet like mine (let's just say that I look more like a cartoon - think Minnie Mouse - if Minnie had big, gnarly toes. You can see *the shape* of it, and that's *the* big toe! That is definitely *not* the one for petite, cute little dance shoes!), ***it's impossible!* to cram your poor little feet into those pointe shoes!** Honestly - there are ***some* ballet shoes out there that look more like ***saddles than anything else***!
* ** “How on earth does it stay up?!"* *That’s a brilliant question! If we knew that we might not have to be going out to work so much! Honestly, how they even get **anything on with their hands in the air, ready for some intense leg stretching or whatever…* ***Well, it’s a secret. One they guard with a fierceness that makes those in the theatre who are paid £30 for sitting in the front row and who **know they have to take off their jewellery, *their jackets*, and *their hats**...******Well*, the *best* way I know of (and as the ultimate *expert*, darling! - I mean I’m sure you remember what a *major* deal it was when I was awarded a ‘gold star’ in primary school…*), it is to simply have it *poked onto your lower, private bits, darling - and then you pull *up!* And then you hold it up **while simultaneously balancing *perfectly* on one leg… Oh my goodness... And you know it doesn't stay up forever. At all. It's quite terrifyingly precarious to be honest… That and you know when your leotard decides it’s *tired*? It slips. And sometimes it slides down and then you’re left, dancing (not gracefully), standing, **on your own private bit, *exposed***
* ** "Darling! Those poor, *broken*, feet, and I really hope you've got those gel pads inside your *pointed toes*!” *Yes, we all know what those shoes *really* mean to our lovely feet! It's the only thing keeping them together. I wouldn’t even let the cat near a pair of shoes like *those*!” - A**nyone who's tried wearing pointe shoes at least once can attest to their potential for extreme damage. I think it's just something you need to go through yourself - *that experience* makes us tougher!*Oh, well, ladies and gents, there’s *the* life as a ballerina, summed up in 4 easy peasy bullets – and I haven’t even *touched* upon *the* real issues (we can all dream about *those*)… So we all bow to *our* dance prowess. Our tenacity. Our willingness to get on with it in spite of…* And with those words, I'd like to dedicate this news item to all of us. *Go on!* **Shine those dance shoes (while holding your breath and being oh so careful, don’t want to scuff them). You’re all ballerinas. Happy Dancing!!**