Well darlings, let’s be honest: ballet is a bit of a hot mess. And I'm not just talking about the unfortunate fashion choices, which, don’t even get me started on those tragic toe shoes – more on that later.
I mean, let’s face it: it’s about as graceful as a giraffe trying to tango, and just as much fun. It’s like a three-hour performance of synchronized contortionists attempting to interpret a poem they don’t understand, while balancing on the precipice of a foot injury.
Oh, did I say performance? Did I forget to mention the agonizing hours spent in a sticky, restrictive costume the size of a thimble? All for a glimpse of ethereal beauty and elegance? Please. The closest I ever get to ethereal is when my favourite nail polish runs out.
Anyway, enough about the agony and ecstasy of ballet! Let's talk tutus. The ballerina’s weapon of choice – and what better weapon for captivating audiences? White tutus? So very predictable, so very predictable. Pink tutus, now, they’re just plain *cheeky*.
I am just dying to know how they’re able to manage all those pleats, I mean, I am really in awe of the technical expertise it must take to move gracefully whilst encased in miles of fluffy netting.
Honestly, the tutus have this entire show; what do ballerinas even need the rest of the costume for? A leotard and tights - which, by the way, are way too revealing. Leotards are not flattering on anyone, and the tights just get ripped by their pointy toes; which of course are so sharp that one of the most famous dancers ever made headlines after puncturing his partner’s stomach.
The leotard just looks so cheap – I’ve always loved a good sparkly bra though – at least it adds a touch of sophistication to the whole look! Not to mention, the fact that the ballerinas usually wear a bright pink lipstick – how on earth they don't kiss the front row of the audience! Honestly! I'm afraid to even think about what they’re wearing underneath! Honestly!
Ballet’s always a delightful whirlwind of drama. Think about it, it’s got the whole ‘will she, won’t she, land’ routine, all with a captivating, whimsical aura that never quite escapes the theatre - they make it all look so easy.
Oh, and the little bitchy drama going on between the ballet dancers, especially backstage! Don’t even get me started. It’s all about backstabbing and hair pulling…I’m not sure who they’re performing for!
But darling, at least there’s always one thing to look forward to: that very satisfying moment of sheer relief when the performance is over, they ditch their toe shoes, and the dance teacher smiles at them and gives them permission to remove their painful leotards!
Well darling, for once, we agree on one thing. All hail the end of ballet performances! Because it is truly the most dramatic, entertaining, exhausting, beautiful and funny things you've ever seen. Just make sure you wear an exceptionally large handbag, with at least five lip colours to be able to look the part. Don't forget a couple of spare pairs of heels in case of emergency and have yourself an *enchanting* time!
**So, this week’s style report has arrived and it’s officially decreed; It’s all about ballet! **
- Ditch the sequins, darling. It's time to opt for something a bit more structured - maybe even something with an architectural flair – all those tutus don’t get the look by accident.
- Don't be afraid to break out a **dramatic flair**, in the colour department that is – think black, think gold or silver, darling!
- And let’s be honest: who needs to dress to impress in a leotard when you can flaunt an incredible clutch bag?
We must now bring up an even more serious, important issue which must be discussed with complete sincerity - what exactly is the point of all those complicated spins and flips that we keep watching again and again for an entire evening. And do you ever think they’ve been through so much rehearsal that they now simply can’t do anything else without a slight risk of a total mental collapse?
But oh darling, these girls are pros. They can leap, they can twirl, and they’ll look perfect whilst doing so. Not like me! Just look away when I have to wear flats.