Darling, you won't believe the scene at the Royal Opera House last night! It was an absolute hoot, and not in the way you might expect. You know, with all the swans a-swirling and princes a-leaping. No, this was something entirely different – something so hilarious that I literally choked on my Champagne. It all started with a seemingly ordinary performance of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. The usual suspects were in attendance, of course – the Dowager Duchess, Lord and Lady Featherbottom, even Princess Margaret's second cousin twice removed, wearing a hat that looked suspiciously like a fruit basket.
But dear me, darling, just as the lovely Odette took her bow, it happened. One, two, three – like dominoes, the tulle started falling! First it was a tiny rip, then a tear, then – oh, darling, you should have seen it! – a huge chasm opened up in Odette's tutu, revealing not swan's down, but a rather fetching pair of leopard-print knickers, and – if I'm not mistaken – a tattoo of a smiling banana on her right ankle! The audience erupted, I swear I saw a lady in the front row start to knit, and then, as if choreographed, the whole bloody orchestra started to giggle. And wouldn't you know it, even the swans themselves – all ten of them, in their perfectly matched white tutus, let out a single, synchronized "quack" – it was magnificent, simply magnificent. The entire performance, darling, descended into pure, utter chaos. A lone, sequined tights flew across the stage, narrowly missing the conductor. One of the swans began doing a rather un-swanlike break-dancing routine – very much like one of the boys I dated in uni, remember what happened when I left the cocktail sauce at the dinner table? And Odette, she was brilliant – absolutely brilliant – laughing her head off and still managing to somehow gracefully turn all this madness into something utterly entertaining.
Don't worry darling, it wasn't a total disaster. In the end, the dancers, their feathers ruffled and their tutus looking suspiciously more like ripped net curtains than anything else, managed to complete the performance. There was cheering and applause and even some people called for an encore. The evening ended with champagne showers and the stage manager announcing, with a wicked gleam in his eye, that all future performances would be held at "an alternative, more "practical" location" – darling, you can just imagine the headlines – "Swan Lake in Chaos: Tutu Crisis Turns Night into Cabaret" – it's the biggest gossip in London. But as for the dancers, my dear, I must say I don't think any of them lost their professionalism, even after the incident with the dancing swan! Perhaps it is all a clever marketing ploy to get people talking about the ballet. Whatever the truth, my dear, one thing is certain, ballet in this brave new world, is anything but boring!
Let’s face it, darlings, who doesn’t love a bit of tutu-based chaos? Here are my top tips for surviving the ballet after the “great tulle meltdown” as I like to call it:- Always carry a spare pair of tights, in a colour that blends with your own, just in case a fellow dancer loses their footing, ahem, their tights that is!
- If the tulle starts to fray, embrace it! A good tear in the right place can be so chic! It’s a whole new style statement in my opinion, don’t you think, darling?
- Wear a sensible pair of shoes – a bit of dancing is highly likely.
- Finally, darlings, relax, have some fun, and remember – with ballet, like life, it's all about the dance, the drama, the occasional bit of unexpected fun – it's what keeps it spicy!
Right, off I toddle to a rather grand tea party at the Marriott. Don’t forget my tip darling – if you want a good giggle, take along a pack of those “tutu repair” needle and thread kits. You can thank me later!