Darling, itâs the 19th February 1999. Oh, my, itâs the day I just have to tell you all about! Letâs have a little gossip, shall we? Because darling, it's just all so frightfully dramatic in the world of dance right now!
Where do we even begin? Well, I just heard from my darling, fabulously fabulous friend in the dance world - heâs a big wig in a certain famous, and shall we say quite intense, dance school - and my, oh my! Well, this little birdie tells me there has been the most awful scandal about the tutus! Scandal! You just wouldnât believe it.
This is no mere "lost my pointe shoe" type of scandal darling, oh no! It's about tutus, and tutus, darling, as you know are rather more important! Just picture a tutu - beautiful layers of tulle, floating gracefully in the air... like a delicate snowflake. But darling, this year? This year the dance schoolâs famous tutus are all about as delicate as a rusty washing up sponge.
This year, dear reader, itâs all about "vintage", "re-cycled", and let's be honest, âwhat exactly is that fabric?!â Theyâve been digging out the back of the dance school attic, and the results?
I mean, imagine darling, an en pointe dancer, in what used to be a rather splendid blue tutu with an exceptionally unfortunate "rip" at the front... or even worse! A bright green, sparkly tutu that looks like someoneâs Great Aunt Ethelâs "sparkly Christmas Day tableclothâ - yes, absolutely horrifying, a dance-world fashion disaster. Just utterly tragic! How on earth did they think this was a good idea, even the "fashion police" at the school are having palpitations darling!
I can already see the reviews darling, dripping in the finest acidic wit! The critics! "Well, darling", theyâll coo "who even *thought* a bright green sparkly tutu would work on stage, this wasnât 1988 darling!" Oh my word, there will be daggers from those dreadful theatre critics! We must all hold our breath, cover our eyes, and simply not read these ghastly reviews, right darling? Let's just be honest and say: a tutus that looks like a tablecloth, really isn't elegant.
And letâs talk about the dancing itself, darling! I hear the school is "taking risks"! "Challenging traditions", you see! Apparently theyâre doing some new "cutting-edge" dances!
Some say that theyâreâŚ- Taking *ballet* a little too "modern", if you know what I mean!
- The whole "breaking free" thing⌠itâs not for everyone, is it darling? The students aren't "breaking free" at all theyâre just⌠making things look rather strange.
- Honestly, they might as well be on roller skates, the way theyâre bouncing and leaping all over the stage, itâs quite alarming.
It's all very âavant-garde", you see. Now I *love* a little artistic expression, darling! I wouldnât be me, if I wasn't *passionate* about all things stylish, and you know, "different". I've seen some "interesting" "modern" dance, it's very⌠expressive, even "dramatic" I'd say! But this? This looks like a *slightly* confused ballet dancer just⌠"going for it"! Like they forgot all the graceful steps they had learned at school, and just went âoh well, letâs just start thrashing about!â You see where I'm coming from darling?
The director said: âWe want to get people talking⌠and thinking about *new* things!â Now, darling, donât get me wrong, I always want people *thinking* but I'd like to think there are ways to "think" that don't include the dancer completely forgetting the choreography, it just gets *rather* messy doesn't it? The audience is actually having *fits of giggles* darling. I even heard a *small* "hush" from one of the "more experienced" attendees - gasp! This is simply not the *tradition* darling.
Now, as an opinionated and *perfectly* dressed member of the "ballet and dance set" I have a responsibility to speak the truth. To keep this *fabulous* world we know and love so *carefully* curated and just... elegant in it's perfection. We just cannot have dancers on stage looking as if they *just woke up* and *walked on stage* in their slippers - not a single sequin, not one little feather, and a tutu that resembles a washing up sponge? Not acceptable! We need to restore the balance, darling. Oh my god! The sheer horror! Just be very careful where you go and what you see this year in the ballet world - you might see the entire future of dance fall into disarray!
Itâs just... *a little bit* messy at the moment isn't it?
Oh, it's *just all so dramatic!* We must maintain the delicate balance of elegance and grace, or we might all find ourselves lost in a world of washing up sponges, slippers, and questionable âartistic expressionâ, oh dear. Now you really must tell your friends. Ciao, Darling, we must chat again soon!